Lets face it. Time FLIES! One day you are sitting on your mom’s lap eating cheetos, you take a nap, wake up drunk in a bar, go back to sleep and wake up from that hangover and there are screaming kids everywhere and your house is a damn mess. Yes, those are your children.
But what some people (the kidless folk) may not understand is how much they take for granted. Life is great right? No worries! Well let me fill you in on a couple (million) things I took for granted before I had kids….shall we?
1.) SLEEP
We all know you don’t get any sleep when you have children. When we finally did learn how to get our first child to sleep through the night we were dumb enough to have another. I haven’t slept since… What year is it? ZZzzzz
2.) APPEARANCE
It’s all fine and dandy until you blow up like a balloon and it explodes into parenthood. Stretch marks, bags under the eyes, maybe a little junk in the trunk that you don’t remember packin’? Yeah… that happens.
3.) EXITING YOUR HOME
What do you mean, Amanda? I’ll tell you!
Kidless Person 1: “It looks like a lovely day, shall we go out for dinner?”
Kidless Person 2: “Why Yes! That’s a wonderful idea! Then we can go for a walk!”
***Said people leave house.
NOW- People with children leaving the house…
Mom: “RAYLAN!!! I am going to tell you ONE MORE TIME! Put your shoes on!”
Raylan: “ Flip flops?”
Mom: “There is SNOW OUTSIDE! Your red shoes.”
Raylan: “Ok, I go find red shoes…..”
***10 minutes later***
Mom: “Raylan!? I know you are hiding in here somewhere! Are you pooping? Where are you!?
Raylan: “Tehehehehehehe….. I not in my closet!!!!!”
4.) YOUR TV
They're two they're four they're six they're eight
Shunting trucks and hauling freight
red and green and brown and blue
they're the really useful crew!!!!!
Ugh. Thomas the Tank Engine. I’d like to derail him somedays. (Don’t tell my child…)
5.) PEEING IN PRIVATE
Little fingers sliding under the door, tiny little knocks, super cute right? Yeah… until they learn how to open every door in your house. You will NEVER PEE ALONE AGAIN.
Raylan: “Whatcha doin??????”
Me: “What’s it look like I’m doing?”
Raylan: “Tehehehehehe”
He didn't really care. He just likes to interrupt my 1 minute of privacy. :-)
6.) ALCOHOL
There are no all night bingers or LETS GET CRAZY moments anymore. Oh Captain, I miss you.
The only all night binger you get to indulge in is a puking child that wakes you at bar close.
7.) A CLEAN HOUSE
I mean sure, some people clean and clean and clean and it stays flippin’ fabulous. Not this girl. I do clean quite a bit, but five minutes later I walk in the living room to find out the tornado hit and our house will never look the same again. The carpet’s pink, the toy bin exploded and dog is full of spaghetti-o’s. Yep- time for a nap.
8.) DRIVING
“Mommy, mom, momma, mommy, MOM, MOMMY, MAAAMAAAA! There’s a boat. Tehehehee”
Not only is there that, but now that I have two children I now have to make mental checklists and go through them as I am driving. All while the child screams in the back.
9.) A CLEAR MIND
About 15 minutes away from home, you go through the “Oh Shit! Did I forget something?!” list in your mind:
PACIFIER!!
Yep! Turning around!!!
10.) SHOWERING
I don’t know how many times it’s happened and that’s not important…
You change a stinky diaper. You wash your hands. You go about your day. Suddenly, you look at your child and say “DID YOU POOP?!” He looks shocked and says “No Mommy- I don’ have poops” You check him thinking he’s not telling you the truth. THEN you realize, it’s you. Leftovers from the last diaper change that somehow got onto your clothes. It’s ok. You can just jump in the shower. NOT! You have children. Hahahaha…. :-/
11.) NOT BURNING FOOD
They say when you get married, you suck at cooking and blah blah blah! No you don’t! You just have kids that MAKE you suck at cooking. They distract you and you burn things. ‘Nuf said.
12.) PEACEFUL SHOPPING
Not every time, not every day, but EVERYONE with children have had it happen. You are strolling along in your already-too-full-with-children-and-thier-junk cart until the little sprout that is forced to walk stops DEAD in his tracks. He looks up at you and you just know you should exit the building. But you don’t, and he falls to the ground a-kickin’ and a-screamin’! “I WANT A TOY- wahhhhhahhhahahhh!”
I don’t know about anyone else, but whenever this happens to me, there’s always an old lady nearby who walks up and says “Oh what a doll! Haha! How adorable!” Are you kidding me Grandma?! I always try and come up with a fast line like “Well, its your lucky day. This is the clearance aisle and everything must go! 5.99 obo!” That usually makes them head into the other direction. Muahaha.
13.) MOVIE NIGHT
Let’s face it. My husband usually brings home movies he wants to watch, most including guns. We get five minutes into the movie and Raylan gets bored- to the toy room he goes. The first sound of gunfire goes off! Our house turns into WWIII. In comes Raylan with his shotgun in one hand and pistol in the other! “BAM BAM! BAM!” Five minutes later… I go to bed and watch Shrek. No point what so ever in watching big people movies. I guess that luxury is for the husbands. I’ll be in my fort.
14.) FRIENDS
I’m not saying they just up and disappear. I’m saying time flies after you have kids and it gets harder and harder to make and keep plans. If you’re one of the lucky ones, your friends bring over a bottle of wine after you put the kids to bed and you have a “picnic”. :-D
15.) MUSIC
Do I really need to explain this one? Ok, I will… There is no “They see me rollin’…they hatin’!” Its the wheels on the damn bus, and the ONLY thing that’s ridin’ dirty is the baby in the back seat who has bad timing.
CONCLUSION
There are so many more things I can add to this list, and will in time.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE having kids. They are my whole life. But I do daydream once in a great while what it might be like to go to a coffee shop and slowly sip on a mug of hot coffee instead of chugging it cold trying to chase a kid around the house who in turn is trying to kill the dog with the laundry basket. Just sayin’. Don’t take it for granted kidless people! ;-)
Bless This Damn Mess
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We won't even talk about drinking from a bottle (of Alize)! LMAO
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